It's about time...

I have countless friends who've had the unimaginable happen to them during their pregnancies. Fertility problems. Miscarriages. Preemies. Preterm labor. Bedrest. Baby loss full term. Baby loss during labor. Baby loss within days after delivery. Stroke during labor & delivery. Needless to say, when my husband (RG) and I found out that I was pregnant on October 28, 2008, I was met with cautious optimism. My dear friends weren't been spared bad luck. Why should I?

But with each milestone of pregnancy, I grew confident that I had nothing to fear. My pregnancy would be normal. My baby would be healthy. With each blood test, after hearing the heartbeat, after seeing the early ultrasound, feeling my uterus grow...with each passing week, I could breathe a little easier.

We had just shared the news with all of our family and friends that I was pregnant when we decided to have the multiple marker screening in my 17th week of pregnancy. Why not? we thought. It'll be just another bit of information...another bit of information to allow us to keep breathing easy. Instead, my AFP result came back at 12 multiples of the mean. Sky high. Haven't ever seen a result this high, said the nurse.

Our MFM saw us the very next afternoon for an ultrasound which confirmed our worst fears that this AFP result was no mistake. Rishi and I followed carefully as the tech took pictures and measurements and said nothing. We noticed that our baby was barely moving. The severe scoliosis. Club feet. And the abdominal wall defect that left our baby's belly contents to float in amniotic fluid. The doctor reviewed the pictures with us in detail and he diagnosed our baby with Limb-Body Wall Complex, a condition that is rare, spontaneous, and not compatible with life.

One week later, on Feburary 5th, I had a D&E to terminate this pregnancy that we wanted and loved. Our first baby, Lil' Chick, died after 18 weeks, 5 days in utero.

It's been nearly 10 months since the day we had to say goodbye to our baby, so I'm not sure what's motivated me to start writing now. I created this blog months ago, but haven't found it in myself to get started. Not a great writer and not sure what I have to say...maybe this blog will just give me a uniquely private space? a sharing space? a healing space? who knows...guess we'll just see.